Counter-Clockwise

#129 A plea.

2007-09-05T03:15:00.000+08:00

I don't know how things got so bad. I didn't mean for it to turn out this way.

Can you please forgive me?

I don't understand why I deserve this.

All those lies that were said, I didn't mean to hurt. I wanted to protect you instead.

God, please, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Can you help me? Please?

How bad can this go. I really don't know. I'm so scared.

Does anyone out there understand exactly what I'm going through?

It can't be seen physically. I guess that's why it doesn't seem much for concern.

I really don't know how I ended being the person I am now. It scares me so much. I'm so scared of myself. God, am I going insane?

Maybe if I really were crazy, it could justify all my actions. All the things I've said and done.

I've come to a point where, I'm really at a lost.

I don't know what it feels like to be human anymore. Besides being lost, I feel so numbed. Numbed of all the emotions, the pain, the sufferings.

It was just one mistake. It started out with a simple lie. And now, it ends like this.

We started off on the wrong foot. All I asked for was a second chance. But it never came.

It's not _____'s fault.

I know you don't love me. You did once, but it all faded when things went wrong. Yet, I still love you unconditionally, blindly.

How absolutely silly and naive of me.

No one understands how I feel towards this whole issue. It's so hard to explain. If only you lived a life through my eyes, than maybe you'll understand.

It's 3am now. And I'm wondering, what am I going to do next? Do I even want to wake up in the morning and face someone whom I've caused immense hurt and disappointment to? She doesn't even want me to acknowledge her.

I didn't mean to lie Mummy. I really didn't.
I didn't mean to die Mummy. I really didn't.

This entry is not about seeking attention. In fact this entire blog is not about this.

I'm here typing, hoping someday, someone understands what I'm going through. And perhaps, I won't feel so lonely anymore.

#128 Just let me.

2007-09-04T23:01:00.000+08:00

DIE.

#127 Grey.

2007-08-27T21:01:00.000+08:00

"Okays. I guess maybe it's better this way."

And when that was sent, some where deep inside, a sharp pain was felt.

She tries to cry. But the tears have long dried up.

Instead, she bleeds.

She knew, that was the last sentence she would ever say to him.

She knew, she'll never see him again.

I don't know how I'm going to pull through this period. It just keeps coming. Wave after wave. When will it ever stop? I can't seem to control it.

I can't say how it feels. You really wished you could gorged your heart out. If it even existed at all.

No one can understand. 'Cause no one knows. And I can only blame me for shutting myself out. I guess this is something that I have to solve myself and no one can help.

But it's so hard. So hard...

The feeling is just, I can't describe. Nothing can describe it.

I really wish I could just shut down. And time and time again, I say I wish I ceased to exist.

And people say, be careful of what you wish for, 'cause it might just come true.

You don't come here no more.
It's okay if you don't know.
'Cause even if you did, you wouldn't care.
Will you?

#126 Realization.

2007-08-05T20:37:00.000+08:00

I don't quite know why I'm here. I'm just staring at the 'create post' page blankly. But I know I want to type something down. Just not so sure about what the content should be.

I realise I'm not allowing myself to move forward. This discovery really baffles me. I notice I constantly remind myself of him. I don't know why.

It's like done sub-consciously. It's as though _____'s part of my system, has become some sort of routine. I know I don't really make much sense here, 'cause I don't understand myself either.

I read something just now. And I can't help but wonder, are all those lyrics/messages directed to anyone in particular, or it's really just random writings?

I just can't stop myself from thinking. Though I'm perfectly aware of my train thoughts.

And even if one day, all my wishes came true, will I really be happy?

I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free
But it sure is hard to do
Yeah, it sure is hard to do
And I know they say if they don't come back again
Then it's meant to be
But those words ain't pulling me through
'Cause I'm still in love with you

#125 Ripped Apart.

2007-07-31T23:08:00.000+08:00

I don't want to regret what I've done.

I don't want to regret what I've given away.

But I can't help but feel depressed and broken,

Knowing that I'll never be the one,

Even after all I've said and done.

Nobody knows... nobody...

"The smell of your skin lingers on me..."

#124 Lost.

2007-07-14T22:38:00.000+08:00

I'm scared.

I don't know what I've been trying to do to myself.

"You've never been truely happy before. Do something for yourself, stop trying to make others happy."
"I don't know what to do. I really don't."

#123 Bits & Pieces.

2007-07-11T23:34:00.000+08:00

My world is falling apart.

I am falling apart.

Just how do mend a broken heart?

It's so hard.
So hard to let you go.
So hard to constantly remind myself that there's nothing more I can do.
So hard to stop myself from thinking about you. Because as cliche as it may sound, everything I do, reminds me of you.

But never once have you thought of me this way.
Do you even know?
Are you even reading this?
Oh God please, if you still care. Drop me a message.

#122 No Regrets.

2007-07-06T23:31:00.000+08:00

To love someone, you got to love yourself first.
To love someone means you will do anything in the world to make he/she happy.
Even if it means letting go.

But letting someone go is not the same as getting over someone.

I guess it's about time.

I gave you my all
But it is not enough to bring you back
I've done all I could
And now I'm letting go

#121 It's all in the head.

2007-07-04T21:49:00.000+08:00

As insane as it may sound,

I don't want to get over you.

Period.

#120 Panic Attack.

2007-07-02T22:16:00.000+08:00

I'm so freaking scared.

I've practically ruined my entire life with my own hands.

I really don't know what to do now. I'm just so scared.

It's like I know I can still salvage somethings. But... I think I've practically gone insane. I can't think straight.

There's so much that I regret doing or saying. There's so much I...

God, I really just want to collapse right here right now, melt into the ground and ceased to exist from now on.

It's just so painful. Too painful to live the life that I live.

"I did what I did because I love you."

#119 Oh Wells.

2007-06-24T17:43:00.000+08:00

I'm a goner for mids.

And I brought this all upon myself.

Plain White T's - A Lonely September

I'm sittin' here all by myself
Just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anythingjust to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
'Cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takesto leave the rest of the world behind

Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did

I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
That you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
And the more I want you here with me

You know the holidays are coming up
I don't want to spend them alone
Memories of Christmas time with you
Will just kill me if I'm on my own

Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back

I know it's not the smartest thing to do
We just can't seem to get it right
But what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight
One more chance tonight

I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone it's not getting me very far
I look around my room and everything I see reminds me of you
Oh please, baby won't you take my hand
We've got nothing left to prove

Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did

And I didn't mean to meet you then
We were just kids
And I didn't mean to give you chills
The way that I kiss
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back but I know you did
Don't say you didn't love me back 'cause you know you did
No, you didn't mean to love me back
But you did

#118 Reflections.

2007-06-23T01:07:00.000+08:00

It's funny.

She chose to be like that.

She chose to love him, knowing it'll only be one way.

She allowed herself to be put through this torture. The torture of never being able to mend the broken pieces.

She finds chances to make herself feel sad.

But she's contented with how it is now.

Maybe even happy.

(:

She fell so hard, she never did manage to get back up.

#117 HANDLE WITH CARE.

2007-06-15T23:29:00.000+08:00

"What makes you think I'm so rich that you can steal my heart and it won't mean a thing?"

- Elizabeth Wurtzel

#116 Battered.

2007-06-12T23:57:00.001+08:00

It's just a time-bomb, waiting to explode.

And when it does, expect the worse.

Just how many blows can one's heart take?

#115 A wound that refuses to scar over.

2007-06-11T22:40:00.000+08:00

I want to curse and swear.

I want to scream and shout.

I want to throw stuff and hit things.

I want to be like Davy Jones.

Cut my heart out and put it somewhere no one can find.

I'm better off dead.

What have I done wrong.
I know I've brought this all upon myself.
I chose to be this way.
But, can't things be less hurtful?
Am I too sensitive?
What's wrong to love someone?
Why is it so hard to love someone?

#114 Safety first.

2007-06-08T00:26:00.000+08:00

It's so scary.

The things that I do.

#113 Songs of a broken hearted.

2007-06-04T23:51:00.000+08:00

Maroon 5 - Better That We Break

I never knew perfection till I heard you speak
And now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things

Now breaking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do

It's not right
Not ok
Say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way

I'm not fine
I'm in pain
It's harder every day
Maybe we're better off this way
It's better that we break

A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You're scared and that you think that I'm insane

The city looks so nice from here
Pity I can't see it clearly
While you're standing there it disappears
It disappears

It's not right
Not ok
Say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way

I'm not fine
I'm in pain
It's harder every day
Maybe we're better off this way
It's better that we break

Saw you sitting all alone
You're fragile and you're cold
But that's alright

Life these days is getting rough
They've knocked you down and beat you up
But it's just a rollercoaster anyway

It's not right
Not ok
Say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way

I'm not fine
I'm in pain
It's harder every day
Maybe we're better off this way

It's not right
Not ok
Say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way

I'm not fine
I'm in pain
It's harder every day
Maybe we're better off this way
It's better that we break baby

#112 SCREAMS.

2007-05-21T23:54:00.000+08:00

If only you knew how much I love you.

If only I could just open my mouth and say these three words.

If only you knew...

God, this is torture.

*SCREAMS

#111 Broken. Dreams.

2007-05-21T00:01:00.000+08:00

I'm close to breaking point.

I can't relax for a second without letting guilt creep all over me.

I'm so short-fused and forever pissed that I've got a perpetual frown between my brow.

Work is never ending and my brain cells are running out.

I really want to give up and shoot myself in the head.

I WANT TO QUIT SCHOOL.

But quitters are losers.

Damn.

"Is he the one that you wish to wake up to for the rest of your life?"

"I wouldn't mind."

"It's either a Yes or a No."

"Hmm. I feel depressed every time we part. So I guess it's a Yes."

#110 Everything.

2007-05-15T23:01:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wondered, what it feels like, to mean the world to somebody?

I know what it feels like to have someone that means the world to me.

But I've never felt the other way before.

And as sad as my diary is, _____ doesn't know. Neither do I think _____ care.

Sigh.

See no evil. Hear no evil.

If only memories will fade.

#109 Hanging by a thread.

2007-04-21T23:15:00.001+08:00

Dear diary,

I've lost all aim in life.

Absolutely no motivation left to spurr me on.

Barely have any energy in me to get pass one day.

It seems to me that my life revolves around only one thing.

And it's spelled as S-C-H-O-O-L.

It isn't bad if you look at it on the surface.

But look deeper and you realise that's where all the problems stem from.

~~Money~~ Education is the root of all evil.

Knowing more, means we get smarter, which also means we'll get more complicated, 'cause we know more stuff.

See how this goes round in a cycle?

Shrugs.

Things feel different now. Doesn't feel like what it was before.

Why?

I pray,
I pray for a day when I'll be truely happy.

I pray,
I pray for a day when I'll be filled with life.

I pray,
I pray for my life to be returned to me.

Thinking about it. About ___.
It just rips my heart apart.
It's not the same anymore.

The smile that used to brighten up my day.
The hug that made me felt so safe.
The kiss that made it all seem worthwhile.

Gone.
As it is with time.

#108 Flashbacks.

2007-04-12T23:57:00.000+08:00

I'm only human.

And I wish for the impossible.

To see _____ again.

Just for one last time.

I hope.

#107 Brief.

2007-04-03T22:50:00.000+08:00

Seems like I only blog once a month. Can hardly find time to do so.

Just a brief update.

I've screwed up my block tests. Hurray Hurray.

It's not that I didn't study. It just didn't stay in my head.

So much for going back to school everyday during the term break just to mug for blocks.

Pfft.

And lately, I've been mood swinging again.

Like they always say, it never rains, but pours.

Memories. They never once left me.

The only one I ever loved. But _____ never knew.

#106 No-brainer.

2007-03-11T22:50:00.000+08:00

I've got loads of thoughts running through my head.

Imagine a marathon, that amount people running. Equivalent to the number of thoughts I have 'running' in my head. (pun intended)

So where do I start?

I can't seem to find the starting point either. It's just like how you take a pen and a piece of paper and you start drawing lines all over the place. The point where you start goes missing, amongst the mess you've created.

I guess I'm quite screwed up.

Block tests are coming soon. If I screw it up I'm a goner.

But it seems like I ain't working very hard.

If only I could re-format my brain, just like how you re-format your computer when the hard disk gets too cluttered up with junk.

I have too much junk in my head. Period.

Oh God. Please save me from this mess.

You could start by erasing the emotions I have jammed up in my heart.

=s

#105 Almost lost you.

2007-02-25T22:06:00.000+08:00

If I never asked, I would have probably lost contact with _____.

It's sad.

Oh wells.

*don't you dare ever fall back into that shit hole again.

#104 The wrath of women.

2007-02-24T22:27:00.000+08:00

Hmm.

After much thought, I realise I don't have a lot to talk about.

I mean, there isn't any point in blogging about screwed up stuff and screwed up people.

It'll just make this a screwed up blog.

Hurhurs.

Well, what I can do is point and go 'Hahahaha' at you.

You've lost me and now you've lost another one. So, just in case you can't count, you've lost a grand total of TWO girls.

Aww. Too bad. So sad.

You had it coming.

And never.

NEVER incur the wrath of a woman.

#103 Tsk Tsk.

2007-02-24T16:44:00.000+08:00

Oh look what you've done, you made a fool of everyone...

(for more updates tune in tonight!)

(:

#102 Ouch.

2007-02-13T23:27:00.000+08:00

I wish not to think about 'what could have been me'.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

#101 Not Worth It!

2007-02-04T00:19:00.000+08:00

Don't judge people when you only know half the side of the story.

And if you happen to be reading this entry (I'm sure you know who you are), please note that I've got many people on my side and apparently, you haven't been very truthful.

Ah yes, you were foolish to have chosen me instead of her.

And I must have been absolutely blind and dumb too.

Grow up boy. Open your eyes and realise that no one wants you now.

And oh, just a gentle reminder.

Liars go to Hell.

Happy burning.

(:

#100 All things have become NEW!

2007-01-28T22:28:00.000+08:00

Post number 100! (:

It'll be a happy post.

A post about triumph over jerks, kicking bastards out of my life.

*BEAMS

What better way to express this joy by singing!

Ahaha.

(:

Beyonce Knowles - Irreplaceable

To the left to the left
To the left to the left

Mmmm..to the left to the left
Everthing you own in the box to the left
In the closet, that's my stuff
Yes, if I bought then please don't touch(don't touch)

And keep talking that mess that's fine,
But could you walk and talk at the same time
And, its my name that's on that bag.
So go move your bags let me call you a cab

Standing in the front yard telling me how I'm such a fool
Talking 'bout, I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute,
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute, baby

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking,
You're irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone,
Call up that chick, and see if she's home
Oops, I bet you thought, that I didn't know,
What did you think, I was putting you out for...
Because you was untrue, rollin' her around in the car that I bought you
Baby drop them keys...hurry up before your taxi leaves

Standing in the front yard telling me how I'm such a fool
Talkin 'bout, I'll never ever find a man like you,
You got me twisted

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute, baby

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking,
You're irreplaceable

So since I'm not your everything,
How 'bout I'll be nothing, nothing at all to you
Baby I won't shed a tear for you (I won't shed a tear)
I won't lose a wink of sleep (a wink of sleep)
Cause the truth of the matter is
Replacing you is so easy

To the left to the left
To the left to the left

Mmmm...to the left to the left,
Everything you own in the box to the left

To the left
To the left

Don't you ever for a second get to thinking...
You're irreplaceable

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute, baby

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking,

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute,
You can pack all your bags we're finished,
Cause you've made your bed now lay in it
I could have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking
You're irreplaceable...

#99 Crossroads.

2007-01-16T22:51:00.000+08:00

Simple analogy/explanation.

Met at the intersection point, asked for directions and continued making our own individual way along two separate routes.

Decisions.

Hate them.

#98 Bitch Fit.

2006-12-25T23:00:00.000+08:00

One word.

Explosive.

I'll probably bite anyone who steps on my toe.

Been really stressed up lately. I don't seem to be doing anything about it though. Just allowing myself to be extremely moody and all.

Christmas was terrible.

Sadly, it has become such a chore to buy and wrap the gifts. The gifts bought for the celebration keeps getting lesser and lesser each year. Some even stop buying presents totally. So much for being the Season of Giving.

Oh wells. Nothing seems to be good/nice/happy/interesting when one is in such a foul mood.

*growls

I NEED A PUNCHING BAG.

SERIOUSLY.

#97 Rainy Days.

2006-12-19T00:40:00.000+08:00

Behind those lowered lids...

Images flashes across...

At the playground

On the bus

At the MRT station

It was all so...

Real.

Ah... It must be the weather.

Sigh.

I wonder.

I wonder if anybody knows.

If anybody understands.

#96 Ouch.

2006-12-18T23:30:00.000+08:00

It's like watching my life played out on the black box. The "dramatized" version of course.

I can see all the similarities between me and her.

It's so depressing.

But I still love the show.

"He never cared..."
It hit me so hard, I could hear myself cracking inside.

#95 Satisfaction.

2006-12-13T21:06:00.000+08:00

Three tops
One skirt
One pair of jeans
One cap
One necklace
One belt
One sunglasses
One bag

I'm still missing a new computer and mobile plan.

Nonetheless, I'm happy and satisfied. (:

#94 Updates, Wishlist and Obsession.

2006-11-08T22:20:00.000+08:00

OP is down right dumb and a freaking waste of my oh-so-precious time. Damnit.

Ugh. School holidays has started. But apparently I'm still going to school every other day. It's okay if I'm going back to have fun. You know, to relax since it's a holiday. But to attend lessons? Since when lessons became the definition of school holidays?

*rolls eyeballs.

In other news, I've got my wishlist drawn up for Christmas. And boy is it expensive. *grins widely

A Laptop (haven't really went looking for one, which explains the lack of details)
New mobile service plan (M1 or Singtel's student plan)
New phone - Sonyericsson w810i, Nokia 7390 (might as well get it while I'm changing my plan)
ipod/creative mp3 player (if I'm getting the Nokia phone)
Light brown pleated checkered skirt with bow from TOPSHOP (went to 3 branches and I still can't find it ): )
Denim skirt (preferably from TOPSHOP)
White collared long sleeve shirt with stripes from G2000
Black thin belt to match working pants
Shoes

That's all I can think of for now. Hopefully (and I'm crossing my fingers) I'll be able to get at least items 2, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9. (:

And I ~~need to~~ MUST get my hands on 'Lakehouse', 'The Human Stain' and 'Chocolat' DVDs.

Did I mention I have a current obsession with Wentworth Miller?! Ahahs. :D

#93 Relapse.

2006-10-17T20:32:00.000+08:00

It was like a potted plant. At first, you thought there was some hope left, so you allow the plant to continue growing by itself. Gradually it started to die. You say it's because it lacked water, sunlight and nutrients. So you decided to leave it there, alone, slowly wilting its life away.

I say, it just lacked love and care.

#92 Just My Luck

2006-10-08T00:14:00.000+08:00

Things just never works out does it. I give up. I surrender.

*waves the white flag

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

#91 End of Promos.

2006-10-05T22:28:00.000+08:00

So the promotional exams are over. Now all we can do is pray and let God do the rest.

But there still seems to be a zillion thoughts running through my head. Well, maybe not a zillion, maybe a handful? Bah, what bad description. =x

I'll probably update another entry with more details. Today's one would just be brief. Need to sort out my thougths first and make some sense out of it before I start to type anything.

One thing's for sure though. I miss people. Some people.

If I just lay here, would you just lie with me and forget the world?

#90 Decisions. Hate them.

2006-09-05T23:01:00.000+08:00

I'm fuming mad. I hate, HATE making decisions. Especially wrong ones.

Okay, so finally I've decided to come home early to have dinner. Wrong decision. X

First my Dad couldn't come pick me up because apparently a relative's argument is more important to settle then to take care of his daughter. Look, I'm not being spoilt or acting all whiny here. I don't mind you helping to settle a fight, but it's like 9pm at night and you figured it's safe enough for your daughter to go home alone? Gee, and you want me to wait till 10pm for you to come fetch me? Hello?! I'm suppose to be home early for dinner?!

So nevermind. I decided to go home myself. No big deal. Then guess what? My first 3 months friends decided to pop by Nanyang to play basketball and was hoping that I'll still be around. Here's the best part, I got the phone call when I just reached home, eating my cold dinner. Like how wonderful.

Then my Dad had to call home at the same time, telling my mum what went on in the office. And yes, I couldn't use the phone. I tried calling back 30minutes later and I guess they were all too busy playing. No one picked up the phone. Bummer.

So right from the start I made a wrong decision. But I thought it was a right decision. Pity it turned out to be a wrong one. So now relatives are more important then you own flesh and blood? Okay. Then why get so up tight when I go out with my friends? What the fuck. Don't give me all that bullshit that you're afraid I'll get cheated or whatever rubbish you have in your head.

I know it's a small matter and probably I'm blowing it out of proportion. But I DON'T CARE! I'm stressed up and I'm fed up. I could have been happier today alright? Fuck.

#89 I miss...

2006-08-10T00:07:00.000+08:00

Somehow, I wish I was back in secondary school. I miss my girlfriends and all the fun we had. JC life is so, ugh.

Been mugging everyday and I've finally lost my momentum today. Sad huh?

Shall try to gain it back later today. (:

Bah, there's so much going through my head now, I seriously don't know what to type or where to start. Guess it's one of those days where I'm feeling rubbish-ish and all.

Pfft.

Sigh, sometimes I wish my heart was made of stone.

#88 BrainDEAD

2006-08-01T23:03:00.000+08:00

I am so fucking tired.

My grades are so fucked up.

Fuck all the work that needs to be done.

Fuck everything that's printed in black and white.

Fuck all the bloody bills and everything else that needs money.

ARRGH.

I want to tear my fucking hair out.

I want to die.

F-U-C-K.

*smashes keyboard

#87 Bleagh.

2006-07-30T23:07:00.000+08:00

Okay, I know I haven't been blogging much lately. One, I'm too busy. Two, I just got nothing to blog about. I don't want to bore any of you people out there with my mundane life, so ya, I'll only blog if there's anything eventful.

As for today, I just felt that I should kind of like revive my blog a little. Nothing exciting happened recently. Hmm... Well, perhaps there was something exciting, but I probably forgot about it. =x

Okay, I really need to think hard about what I can blog about now.

*8 hours later...

Nope, nothing that I can think of. Okay, this is definitely a rubbish entry.

Tomorrow there's an economics test, which I seriously don't bother to study because I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in the subject. Gee, let me try saving my chemistry first then we'll talk about econs ya? =x

Bah, I'm signing out of here.

Date me somebody! My life is going no where!

:s

#86 Snap Out Of It!

2006-07-10T00:05:00.000+08:00

I don't want to think. I wish my brain would just stop functioning for a day.

Once I start to think, I'll reminisce about the days gone by, the fun I used to have. Then I'll start missing stuff and I'll end up feeling miserable.

It's not that there's no more happy days to look forward to, it's just... Saddening that the people that were with you when you were happy are no longer here. Not that they've died or something, they just disappeared.

I don't get how people can move on so easily with life. Not that it's a bad thing, I just don't know how the human brain can forget stuff so easily, while sometimes it chooses to hold on to some memories so tightly and refuse to let go.

Humans are such complicated creatures.

#85 Worst fears.

2006-07-05T21:38:00.000+08:00

I'm so freaking scared. I can't believe I was so stupid to allow my friends to sign me up for Sports Day.

Gosh, what have I gotten myself into?

They were in desperate need of people and I guess I'm just too nice for my own good.

4 x 400m. I'm shit scared. I didn't train AT ALL. I had one month to train. And I'm left with one day now. ~~Fuck~~ it.

What if I'm the slowest runner? What if I fell? What if I dropped the baton? What if I pull down the entire team down?

I totally have no faith in myself.

I'm stressed. I want to tear my hair out. I think I've gone a little insane.

Perhaps I'm just moody.

God, I want to cry.

)':

#84 Complaints from the Whiner.

2006-07-03T18:45:00.000+08:00

Have there been days when your confidence level just drops to below subzero and you feel that you're the ugliest person on Earth?

Well, I know I have. Must be the damn pimple on my chin. I'm sure my chin is so scarred that it can double up as a world map.

Okay, maybe that's a little exaggerated. But still. I feel FUGLY! *pouts*

And there's the hair. It's so dry and frizzy. I wish I had hair like my girlfriend's. Bah. Should I chop it off? I'm getting quite sick of it. But then again, could I bear to chop it off?

Gosh, I think I sound so like a bimbo here. But then again, I don't qualify to be a bimbo. Hurhurs. =x

So anyways, it's bad to feel ugly and be walking on the roads of Orchard at the same time. It's like, you've totally lost the mood to shop and you keep seeing goodlooking people walk by and you can't help but feel worse. *screams*

There's economics paper tommorow and I can't be bothered with it. Ugh. I hate econs. ):

And this reminds me. I H-A-T-E France too. I know this came a little late, but FRANCE MUST DIE!

First they kicked out Spain. Okay, I kind of got over that. Now they booted out Brazil too. WHAT THE ~~FUCK~~ HELL!

I'm sure the whole world is mourning with me too. Except for the stupid Frenchmen. They really should retire and go be grandfathers. Ugh. I'm so pissed.

What happen to you Brazil? History reapeating itself? You can't seem to defeat the French (re-enactment of 1998?). Argh. But I have to admit, Brazil didn't seem to be performing very well from the start. I wonder why. I'm sure this time round Ronaldo is not suffering from some mystery illness. Guess he's just fat. =x (eh, but what am I to call people fat, I'm FAT too. ): )

Torres a.k.a Freckle Boy, Casillas (I can't think of a nickname =x) and Ronaldinho a.k.a Cute Dinosaur is gone.

(Ronaldinho does look like a dinosuar, a dinosuar with a perpetual smile. Wait, this sounds like Barney! No no no. At least he's not purple. =x Or maybe it's his name that sounds like a dinosaur. Hmm.)

Please Portugal, send the Grandpas home. Oh, break their leg while at it ya?

I'm counting on you Cristiano Ronaldo. Get Zidane sent off.

Make my day please.

#83 Wandering. Wondering.

2006-06-29T17:38:00.000+08:00

Gosh, 3 entries in one day?

Apparently I've got too much time to think about the wonders of the world that I just have to blog it down. =x

I've been surfing through Friendster quite a bit recently (actually I do that all the time =x) and I realise, though I seem to have quite a fair share of friends, I don't keep in contact with like 90% of them? So are they still counted as friends? Or acquaintances? ~~Friendster should be renamed to 'Acquaintence-ster'.~~ Hur. Not funny. =x

Have I become those people who 'collects' friends just so that they'll appear 'popular'?

One things for sure, I know every single person on my list (except for one or two I-don't-know-how-they-end-up-here people. so this makes the sentence invalid? =x). I've at least met them once in my lifetime and exchanged at least a 'hi' or 'bye'. But it's funny how we just get too caught up in our own lives that we couldn't be bothered to stay in contact anymore.

No time they say. Sadly, I have to agree.

24hours a day is simply not enough for me. I wonder too much about everything and anything till I forget what's important in my life.

Bummer. Of all things not to think about. What's important in my life? I'm clueless about it.

Oh, slap me somebody. I think I'm starting to ramble again.

Carnival by The Cardigans. Go listen. I'm hooked on to it.

#82 Enamorado de Espana.

2006-06-29T00:44:00.000+08:00

Yes, I officially declare that I've fallen for the Spaniards!

Me encanta Espana ((:

I'm utterly devastated that they're out of the running for the Cup. Damn they lost to the grandfathers of France! C'mon, the spanish squad is sooo young! *fumes*

Did I mention Frenando Torres is sooo CUTE?! Freckle boy. Aha. ((:

Casillas is not bad too. ((:

Bottom line, the Spaniards are 'oh-so-droolable'. Ahaha.

But before you people start accusing me of watching soccer just because of the eye-candies, I DON'T.

Though the Spaniards do help to boost my interest. =x

Anyway, since Spain is out, I'm rooting for Argentina. Their 6-0 match is simply amazing. Or perhaps their opponent's goalkeeper is hopeless?

I think they're just amazing.

Hmm, Germany's not a bad candidate either. Brazil is just warming up too.

And what's this I hear about Italy winning the Cup? Interesting indeed.

Bah, studies have been thrown out of the window and I'm 110% sure my Chemistry paper is gone. Just like Spain. ):

Oh wells.

Para siempre Espana!

#81 New skin.

2006-06-29T00:21:00.000+08:00

I got sick of the previous one.

Though I really thought it was good.

Just needed something new to entertain the eye. ((:

But then again, this is quite a popular skin. If I'm not mistaken.

Bummer.

I hope my blog wouldn't like be of substandard because so many people uses this skin.

Nonetheless, enjoy. ((:

#80 Midyear Jitters

2006-06-25T21:51:00.000+08:00

Oh crap.

It has FINALLY hit me.

The Midyear Exams Jitters.

*shudders*

Damn it. Is ANYONE prepared?!

One thing's for sure, I'm prepared to FLUNK it.

Period.

Yay. =x

Is it okay to flunk? *pouts*

#79 I'm a happy kid.

2006-06-21T22:34:00.000+08:00

I am a happy kid.

((:

#78 Tyrant.

2006-06-04T22:16:00.000+08:00

Sigh.

When I start to come here often, you know something's amiss.

I'm living with a tyrant.

Ugh. How sickening. ):

I'm just so disgusted by the sight of that tyrant.

I mean c'mon, the first conversation we have in the morning is an argument.

We haven't been able to see eye to eye recently.

Bummer.

It's not like I want to anyway. He's the KING of the house. So naturally he has the ability to limit me from what keeps me alive, mainly the computer and my handphone. =x

Grr.

):

#77 Typical Saturday.

2006-06-03T23:06:00.000+08:00

I woke up at 1500 hours.

I only ate one meal - lunch.

I did not touch any homework.

I sat in front of the computer for 5 hours straight.

My typical Saturday.

#76 Stupid Cupid

2006-05-23T21:57:00.000+08:00

Dear cupid,

Could you please be more accurate in aiming your arrows? Why do I always end up falling for people that'll never fall for me? Well, people that I THINK will never fall for me. =x

Okay... One month. I'll give myself one month to see if your stupid arrows are accurate for once. Infatuations lasts for a month anyways (most of the time) .

Pfft.

#75 On my own.

2006-05-22T00:35:00.000+08:00

I want to be rich.

I want to buy my own house.

I want my privacy.

I want my independence.

I jus want a life of my own.

#74 Restricted.

2006-04-22T22:25:00.000+08:00

This is a weird entry.

I don't know what I want to blog about, but I just feel like typing something. Be it rubbish or whatsoever.

I think I'm going a little crazy.

Okay, maybe not a little.

Whatever.

Sometimes you wish you could just open up your heart and love someone entirely. But there's just this fear holding you back.

What fear you ask. I don't know.

Goodness. I'm not making any sense here.

=x

#73 Stress.

2006-04-12T22:26:00.000+08:00

*SCREAMS*

CAMPAIGNING IS SO FREAKING TIRING AND SCHOOL AIN'T MAKING THINGS ANY BETTER.

God, I so want to die. Perhaps over exhaustion will do the trick.

Bah, LIFE SUCKS.

I need my punching bag.

)):

And I wonder when my 'happily ever after' will come.

#72 Rambles

2006-04-04T20:29:00.000+08:00

It only lasted for 12 hours.

And poof, it was gone.

Walking in the rain, I reminisce about the days gone by.

Reenacting it all, just that the company wasn't the same.

Ever heard of the saying, 'so close yet so far'?

Yea... Right at the door step, I could have easily enter the house.

But... I can never enter the life.

Argh crap. What the hell am I talking about?

Rambling again as usual. Bleagh.

Oh yes, I'm half way through to getting expelled from school.

Like, yay.

#71 Happy. But for how long?

2006-03-30T23:45:00.000+08:00

Finally I remembered what it felt like to be truely happy.

How long will it last I do not know.

Oh wells. I'm just happy that I'm happy.

Get me?

Ha.

So deja vu.

(:

#70 1 year anniversary.

2006-03-26T12:43:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of my blog. Just a trivia anyway.

I wish I could live in my dreams.

I wish my dreams could come true.

Dreaming kills my soul.

It can never come back. Could it?

#69 I want you back.

2006-03-15T23:29:00.000+08:00

I wish we could fall in love again.

The Angel says, "Move on with life girl. Haven't you forgot about it already?"

The Devil says, "Look, _____ back in your life, isn't this a sign for you to try again?"

The Angel retorts, "Isn't this history repeating itself? You're going to let this happen all over again?"

Sneering, the Devil whispered, "I know your inner most desires. You want to relive those memories once more. Am I not right?"

The Angel sighed, "You know the consequences. You've been there, done that. Why put yourself through all the pain. Again?"

The Devil pressed on, "It's not history repeating itself. You haven't try yet. Give yourself another chance, give _____ another chance."

And so they fight...

As for me, I'm just staring back up at them, wondering, "And I thought it was all settled already?"

Yes, you could reminisce about the happy times gone by. But just stop there. Don't ask for more. Instead, create more happy moments, rather then yearning for more of those memories long gone.

"Give us another chance."

"Too late."
"I'm sorry."

Easier said then done.

I miss... you.

#68 What are the chances.

2006-03-08T23:41:00.000+08:00

Wait.

Do I sense that the past is catching up with me once again?

How can two totally different people, born from different mothers and in different years, look so much alike? To the point of being almost identical?

I'm totally lost for words.

And I'm STILL trying to find something different between the two. Something that distinguishes one from the other.

What are the chances, that both ended up studying in the same school? After almost 10 to 11 years of education?

What are the chances, that _____ ended up in the same school and og as me, just that mine was 2 month back?

What are the chances, that history would repeat itself once again?

What are the chances... ... ...

Hope is a dangerous thing, yet isn't it hope that keeps us moving in life?

I guess, too much of hope isn't such good thing. But, too little of it kills the soul too.

Balance. Is all we need.

I wish *you never existed. I wish our paths never crossed. I wish...

#67 We might as well be strangers.

2006-03-01T21:42:00.000+08:00

I realise that there's an increase in the amount of people ignoring me or people unhappy with me.

What's going on, I don't know.

Did I say something wrong? Did my actions pissed everyone off?

I'm feeling horrible.(and that's just an understatement)

Friends have become people I no longer know.

We might as well be strangers...

I hate this animosity. (did I use this word correctly?)

I detest the feeling of losing something or someone. Be it precious or insignificant.

And you know what, I've been losing stuff this past two weeks!

*screams*

Oh God... When will this ever end?!

Oh yea, JAE results leaked out today. Was too slow. Couldn't get to the site in time.

The anxiety is killng me slowly.

#66 Computer's smashed.

2006-02-24T22:28:00.000+08:00

I've got something to announce.

My computer has been smashed.

Done by none other then...

*drum roll*

My beloved Father.

*cheers*

Hmm, do I sense sarcasm here?

Hur Hur Hur.

End of announcement. Have a great day ahead.

Yay. ((:

And I lead a sad life...

#65 Lost again.

2006-02-13T15:56:00.000+08:00

Once again, I have lost.

One step too slow.

It has always been the case hasn't it?

I'm cursed.

It always ends with getting hurt.

And my world came crashing down.

I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
Well you done done me and you better felt it
I tried to be chill but you so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks and I'm tryin to get back
Before the cool done run out i'll be givin it my bestest
And nothin's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more,
No more, it cannot wait I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe seen with me
Ah, la peaceful melodie
It's your god forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So, I won't hesitate no more,
No more, it cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

*scat*

I've been spendin' way too long checkin' my tongue in the mirror
And bendin' over backwards just to try to see it clearer
My breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm a sayin' is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more,
No more it cannot wait, I'm sure
(There's no need to complicate)
Our time is short it cannot wait
(This is our fate),
I'm yours 2x

No please don't complicate, our time is short
This is our faith, I'm yours.
No please don't hesitate no more,
No more it cannot wait, the sky is yours!

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love

Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
I love one big family
It's your god forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved

Open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love

Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
I love happy family
It's our god forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved

Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
I love peaceful melodies
It's our god forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved...

#64 Exploration of Being Ignored

2006-02-12T01:46:00.000+08:00

Today wasn't exactly a bad day.

Started out with waking up at 1200, spent the next 1 hour in bed organising a party, another hour arguing with my dad on the phone about the party and finally leaving house at 1730 for the party.

So far, so good.

Party was ok, except some people wanted to remain exculsive and decided to stick to their own cliques. Nevermind that, maybe I was one of those people too. My girlfriend went missing for 2 hours and another 'friend' of mine ignored me throughout the whole night, preferring to talk to someone else, whom I don't even know why was at the party. And this explains the next part.

I spent the rest of the night, out with another 2 friends, exploring Jalan Kayu Road Farmway 7.

Hurhur.

Was quite fun. Scary in a way too.

Well, apparently we walked into an area where there was like a few million guard dogs, though we seriously didn't see them (I think that's the main purpose of it. Hur). A few strays were around too and they all started barking. Imagine like some 'intruder alert' bell going off. So ya, we decided to leave that area. And so did the few stray dogs.

Hur.

We tried walking away, but I guess the strays either hated us or liked us too much and they gave chase. Well, what happened next is kind of predictable huh?

We ran. And my friends decided to leave me behind.

Well done. But nevermind, I still made it. Hur.

The way back was full of failed attempts trying to scare me. And also, trying miserably to find a short cut back.

And guess what, by the time we came back at 2300, everyone was gone, except for the owner of the house and some relatives who were totally way out of my age group.

Left at 2330.

I guess everything was alright.

I'm just so sad about being ignored.

Sigh.

I thought we made a promise about being good friends and anticipating more good times ahead?

Perhaps those were just wistful thoughts of mine.

Did I make the right choice of choosing the other option, or perhaps I should have just followed my heart?

Either way, I know I would still feel miserable.

Sigh.

And in the end, it's you who played me out. I've died in your life.

Gah, why do I always end up like this?

#63 Rumours.

2006-02-07T22:42:00.000+08:00

So now what. Just because I'm seen hanging out with people from the opposite sex more often then with my own gender, you people want to backstab me?

Oh gee, grow up please.

I know there's a fine line between being sociable and flirtatious, but hey, open your eyes bigger and observe more would you, before jumping to conclusions?

I can't believe I've created a reputation for myself so quickly. I'm so going to get out of this place. Bleagh.

Friday, the results will be out. But then again, I would still have to endure another few more weeks in this dumb place before I seek greener pastures.

Bah.

Oh ya, I missed out an important fact.

The backstabbers. They are from my school. So much for the so called 'sisterhood' huh? All the being united bullshit.

Bah.

Bunch of shallow people. Not even worth being a bimbo, 'cause they just can't fit the looks department.

Gah.

#62 The Wildest Nights.

2006-01-31T19:30:00.000+08:00

Wow.

The past two nights were a BLAST!

Leaving house at 10pm, coming back home at 5am.

Whoa.

Never knew empty streets could be so entertaining, signboards could be detached so easily and midnight movies with friends and family could be so wild. Ha!

And once again, I'm starting to feel the wonderful tingling sensation of being loved.

Life's great. But I guess I have to put all this behind me, school's starting again! Pffft.

Oh wells.

*GRINS*

#61 I forgot about the title again. =x

2006-01-19T22:59:00.000+08:00

I'm disappointed.

I don't like cheats.

I don't like people who lie.

It's so tough to trust people nowadays.

You never know if they're speaking the truth or lying through their teeth.

And I can't believe I almost fell for it.

I've been there, done that and NOT doing it again.

Never.

Sigh.

Why is it always me?

I don't know who to trust anymore.

Sobs.

)):

#60 Cool Magic. ((:

2006-01-18T21:46:00.000+08:00

Hmm. Magic is so cool.

You know what, guys really should go learn magic. Because it really attract girls. Listen to my advice.

Heh.

I'm smiling again. Ha.

But I realise I look spastic while watching magic performances. I look so shocked and dumb at the same time.

Lol.

Whee! ((:

Maybe, maybe not...

#59 Please stop me.

2006-01-11T22:29:00.000+08:00

I shall not fall in love.

I will not fall in love.

I must not fall in love.

NO NO NO.

Sigh.

This is so rubbish.

#58 Fuck off.

2006-01-09T23:51:00.000+08:00

Get the f*ck out from my face.

I don't ever want to see you again.

I don't ever want to talk to you again.

I wish I could cut off all contacts from you.

Bloody bastard.

I hate you.

I HATE you.

I will not get screwed up again. NEVER!

Please, leave me alone.

It's been so long since I've felt happy.

Go away... )):

#57 College Orientation.

2006-01-07T21:41:00.000+08:00

It's been one of the best week I ever experienced.

Yes, JC orientation ROCKS! I totally adore my orientering group!

Delphi - Epsilon!!!

I'm sure we're the best and most united OG in the whole school. Truthfully, I'm dreading the day when we have to split.

Why must all good things come to an end? Sigh.

And next week will be the start of the 'oh-so-boring' lectures. Shrugs.

It's a short update. I'm not feeling (emotionally) well.

Another day then.

#56 Welcome 2006. ((:

2006-01-01T02:22:00.000+08:00

Finally. Helllooo 2006. ((:

You see, I want to blog about the events that happened in 2005, but it's currently 02:23.

Plus, I don't exactly want to reminisce about 2005. But there's just this part of me that wants to let it all out. Type it all down, archive it and forget about it. Maybe until few years later, I'll look back at this entry and laugh at my immaturity.

But it's the new year already. Do I really want to type about the past?

On the other hand, do I really want to leave it all behind now? Forget all about it? Let what I once held on so so tightly, go?

Sigh.

Well, one thing's for sure, I will not allow my life to be screwed up anymore.

I'm beat, dark circles are threatening to turn me into a panda and I don't want to get scolded on the first day of 2006.

Happy New Year once again. Bless the World.

#55 10 more hours!

2005-12-31T14:41:00.000+08:00

Whoo hoo. Another 10 more hours to go (aprrox.).

Yay. I remember last year at this time, I was dreading the end of 2004. And now I can't wait for 2005 to be history! Yippie.

No resolutions yet. I don't think there ever will be. Hur.

Perhaps just try not to screw up my life anymore.

Hur.

Will check back later. ((:

#54 I forgot about the title!

2005-12-26T21:24:00.000+08:00

It's been awhile. Hello there. ((:

Merry Christmas everyone, be it a belated one. Hur.

Updating my blog just to keep it alive really. Don't have much inspiration to type.

So let's see, 2005 is ending soon (finally!) and there's 6 more days till the new year. Can't wait.

It has seriously been a horrible two-zero-zero-five for me. And that's just an understatement.

Yea yea, we all knew what happened. Just hope history wouldn't repeat itself.

No new year resolutions just yet. Maybe there won't be any in the first place. Hur.

Before I depart (like I'm going to die or something) , here's some food for thought (which literally translates to utter rubbish, from yours truly ((: )

"It's a superficial world out there. And you wish you could find true love again."

#53 Quiz

2005-12-14T22:01:00.000+08:00

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Got this off a friend's blog. Thought it was quite amusing. ((:

#52 The Curse of the Egoistic Faggots.

2005-12-12T22:56:00.000+08:00

The Curse of the Egoistic Faggots.

Yes, I'm cursed.

I feel like shooting myself.

Is my judgement really that bad?

Maybe I just can't open my eyes big enough.

Gah, I should turn lesbian or become a nun.

Sigh.

#51 New skin. Again

2005-12-07T00:14:00.000+08:00

Hello.

Decided to change my blog skin.

Plain and simple.

Just the way I like it.

Why?

Because my life is complicated enough.

Enjoy ((:

#50 Will I ever let go?

2005-11-29T22:04:00.000+08:00

I've tried. And failed miserably.

What changed your heart?

'Contact me after 7 months and I'll still be the same. I promise.'

7 months later, it's just only me who remains the same.

So it's true, promises are meant to be broken.

It's weirdly interesting, how human nature works.

'You walk down the same road, fully aware of what's to come. But you still choose the same path, hoping against hope, that somehow, things will be different at the end.' - ying

Shattered into million pieces, I'm picking my life up, trying to fix it back.

But there's a huge part missing, and the picture will never be perfect.

A broken heart would surely heal, but the scars will forever remain.

A constant reminder of the past, bounding me to eternal pain.

- ying

#49 I'm alive!

2005-11-26T23:27:00.000+08:00

So, I've survived the O's. Prom's over and shopping was crazy.

Seriously crazy. My friends and I walked for a record of 12 hours on one of the days spent looking for prom clothes.

Madness I tell you.

But it was fun. Won't mind doing it again. ((:

Prom itself was alright I guess. Nothing 'explosive' really. But yea, it's held in the school hall. What to expect huh?

Everyone looked gorgeous though. Except for some whom erm, looked slutty. Lol.

So then we roamed the streets of orchard, half the time looking drunk. But it was fun. And I'm sure we attracted loads of attention.

We were making too much noise.

Nothing special so far.

I've got a story to tell. But maybe not today. The entry is long enough.

It's based on a true account of a friend of mine.

But yea, another day.

((:

#48 Short & Simple.

2005-10-25T20:40:00.000+08:00

O'levels will be over in another 3 weeks time.

I'm quite scared. I don't know where I'll go. The future is so uncertain. ):

Life has been good. I think.

occasional mood swings, but I think I've been more happy then sad. Hooray! ((:

Oh wells, been mugging my ass off. I'm quite sure it's not enough though. Bleagh. =x

It's back to the books again I guess.

I wonder when he'll ever ask for my number. Stop staring already! ((:

#47 Picture this.

2005-09-17T21:56:00.000+08:00

Picture this.

You have a dozen over glass cups lined up in front of you. 3 meters away from you is a solid concrete wall. What would you do?

I know what I'll do. *grins*

I'll take each cup and smash it into the wall. Relishing every single moment of it. Watching it shatter into zillions of minute pieces. Enjoying the breaking sound made by the glass. This is what I call 'Stress Relieving'.

Every single thing that is happening in my life now is pissing me off. I'm like a time bomb just wanting and waiting to explode. Grr.

Really, if given a chance, I would destroy everything single thing I can lay my hands on. The rage inside of me is so intense. It's ruining my complexion. Anger and frustration is bad for health. I was already told by a few people I look haggard. Gah.

Sulks.

#46 Wrong.

2005-09-02T22:11:00.000+08:00

There's something seriously wrong with me.

Bleagh. =x

#45 Just Kill Me.

2005-08-28T20:03:00.000+08:00

Just what do you want to do with your life huh?

Grr, I hate making decisions like these.

You know it's wrong, but you still choose to do it. Just for the thrill.

You know how bad the consequences would be, but you still choose to go down the same old path. Hoping that somehow, things will turn out different at the end of the road.

That is what I called stupidity.

I'm insane.

`Whee! ((:

Just kill me.

#44 Stop dreaming.

2005-08-24T15:40:00.000+08:00

The dream is shattered.

I should stop dreaming. No point holding on to things which you can no longer get back.

It's like grabbing water. You know it's there, you can feel it, but you could only hold it for so long. After that, it just slips through your hand, down the sink and you can never get it back.

It's not that I want to stop. There's just no hope. No more looking on the brightside, because there isn't any anymore.

Sigh.

How many times have I said I'm tired? Countless I guess. It seems to me, this has been the worst year (approx.) I've ever had. I'm so drained.

So much for being sweet sixteen. More like bitter sixteen to me.

Dreamz FM - Should I Stay

Had a drive
Driven by your love
But when you messed around
I lost the drive I found

Thought you needed
Needed someone true
But you changed your mind
Or had I failed you?

Wish you'd been
Careful with my heart
But you tore it apart
And broke an angel's heart

The kiss was true
Has to end somehow
But I am livin' proof of what love is about

It's hard holding you
Loving you, losing you
It's sad to be true
And be fooled by you
I don't know (I don't know)
I gotta know
Should I stay or should I go?

You played me on
Played me like a clown
But I feel for you
Eventhough I'm down

My heart is heavy
Heavy like a rock
But I am so amused
You're still in my thoughts

It's hard holding you
Loving you, losing you
It's sad to be true
And be fooled by you
I don't know (I don't know)
I gotta know
Should I stay or should I go?

Oooohh...should I stay?
Should I go?

It's hard holding you
Loving you, losing you
It's sad to be true
And be fooled by you
I don't know (I don't know)
I gotta know
Should I stay or should I go?

This time its done
It'll never feel the same
But we had some good times
Guess it's sad just the same

I guess the truth
Doesn't matter somehow
But you were livin' proof of what love is about...

#43 The usual rubbish.

2005-08-19T21:44:00.000+08:00

It's funny, how one person can make you feel both love and hatred.

Yea, it's confusing. I'm confused. One minute I hate the person to their guts, the next minute, I'm missing the person like crazy.

No no, I don't exactly miss the person. I erm...nevermind.

Do dreams really come true? Someone once told me, if you dream hard enough, they will come true.

Will it really work?

I've been dreaming. I just dreamt about it last night.

I thought I've already let it go. But I realised this morning, I haven't. Well, subconsciously not yet I guess. (There she goes again...)

I can still remember that smile of yours. So cheeky, yet surprisingly charming at the same time. Must be the dimples. Lol.

Gah. A bunch of lies.

I'm exhausted and I'm writing rubbish. Not like I haven't been doing that for the past hour or so anyway.

Roar.

#42 Screw up. And that's just an understatement.

2005-08-14T21:13:00.000+08:00

There's something seriously wrong with me.

I'm a fucking screw up!!!

And that's just an understatement.

Prelims are less then a month away and I'm still not focusing.

This isn't normal right?

I'm thinking of everything except studies. Well, even if I do think of studies, my brain just refuse to absorb anything.

This is bad. Really bad.

You want to know what's on my mind? Frankly speaking, I don't know. My brain is just saturated with thoughts. Mainly rubbish I suppose.

I can't believe I did worst then that bloody bastard for my Chinese O's. Fuck it.

Ok, that's one of the many thoughts on my mind.

Another one. Tomorrow's English O's oral for me. And I'm the last person to take the exam in my group. Yay. Imagine the torture. And this has been on my mind since... now. Yea, now.

Sigh.

I wish I never knew _____. I wish _____ could just die right now, at this moment in time. Then I'll cry my eyes out, knowing that there'll never be hope again.

Yea, I just want to cry. Cry till my tear ducts dry up. Cry till the veins in my eyes bursts. Cry till I drown in my own tears.

I don't want to think anymore. I'm so flooded with thoughts. I'm so tired. So drained.

I just want to lie on my bed, close my eyes and hopefully, never to open them again.

#41 Try again. Later.

2005-08-13T17:11:00.000+08:00

I'm leaving it all behind. I'm treating it as though I never knew _____ at all.

Sigh. I can lie to the whole world, but not to myself.

How is it possible to forget about it all? How is it possible to let it all go?

Sigh.

I believe in second chances. I've given second chances. But it just didn't work out.

Maybe, when things settles down, when our lives aren't that tied down with other stuff, when things are back to normal, just maybe, we could try again. Start a fresh, again.

That is if you would call again.

#40 The End.

2005-07-22T17:47:00.000+08:00

And so it's over.

Just like that. It's over.

To think that up till now, I still care. And what do I get in return?

"Oh, I have better and smarter girlfriends to ask help from."

Where did the person I so deeply loved go?

How are you able to let it all go? Leaving me behind, to suffer on my own.

Looking back, were all those messages a bunch of lies? Were all those times spent just a foolish dream of mine?

So was it fun? Wrenching my heart out, tearing it apart and watching it bleed?

I saw no remorse in your eyes. They were so cold... so cold.

You turned your back and walked away from it all.

No holding me back, no 'please forgive me', nothing. Just silence.

Leaving me to suffer the pain, to drown in the tears.

And so, this is how you choose to end it.

#39 Blower's Daughter

2005-07-16T23:49:00.000+08:00

Damien Rice - Blower's Daughter

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time

And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

#38 Disappointed.

2005-07-13T21:00:00.000+08:00

I'm sad (what's new). My last chance of seeing _____ is gone.

Sigh.

Why. It's my last year already, why don't they give priority to the secondary fours? I'm so terribly disappointed.

Sigh.

Maybe it's not meant to be. But why?!

Why, why, why?!?!?

*screams*

The only thing that kept me looking forward to each day, that kept me going, is once again robbed from me.

Why? Why does this always have to happen to me?

I give up!!!

*cries eyes out*

#37 Useless me.

2005-07-08T23:03:00.000+08:00

I will not. I should not. I must not.

How long has it been? I've lost track of time.

I long to call, but I know it's wrong.

It just proves how weak I am.

Why is it that I love you so?

And only to have my heart shattered each and every time I think of you.

It's just not right. Could someone please slap me awake?

I'm so foolish. So naive.

Why did it have to end this way? What went wrong?

Why?! Why did this have to happen to me?

So many questions, yet not a single one of them has an answer.

Useless. I'm useless.

Sigh.

))':

#36 Incomprehensible

2005-07-04T21:50:00.000+08:00

What is this world coming to? I have friends who suffer from severe depression, others who try to act like as though they're twenty-year-olds, going clubbing, drinking and all.

Why can't we be normal teenagers? Happy, innocent and carefree.

Why can't we dress decently, act decently and be normal kids who goes to school and study?

Why? Why must factors like Boy-Girl relationships, depression, drugs, pre-marital sex and suicides come into the picture?

What's wrong with us?

Blame the media. Blame the World.

Sigh, life would be so much simpler if not for all these things. Don't you think so?

But then again, if not for the media, life would be so boring too. No entertainment.

Gee, this is so contradicting. Sheesh.

Shan't waste my time on this. Why do I even bother in the first place? I think too much. Besides, I've got better and more important things to worry about.

Food and Nutrition is just crap I tell you. I spent the whole of today doing it and in the end, I didn't know what I was doing. Gah.

Then there's Chemistry and Social Studies test, which I conveniently forgot until just now, when my friend reminded me about it. What topics are tested again?

Gee, I'm so screwed. How long more is it to prelims? I kind of forgot too. Whoopie.

And then, there's the fact that I can't get _____ out of my mind. Yes, the whole saga ain't over yet. Well, at least for me.

Gah, I really need a wake up call of some sort. I don't get it, why am I still stuck in this shit which I've created myself. I should be able to clear it right? Wrong. Apparently, I'm way too dumb to clear it.

Sheesh, how much more stupid can I get?

Shan't blabber on anymore. I feel extremely screwed and useless all of a sudden.

I'm worried, I haven't studied for my tests yet. And it's in 2 days time.

Oh no. )):

#35 Being 'handphoneless' pisses me off.

2005-06-27T22:24:00.000+08:00

I'm fed-up with the fact that I have no handphone.

Important information doesn't reach me and it's not good. Nowadays the teachers are sending last minute info through SMSes or MSN. And I don't have both. Damn.

Yea, just wait till one day something bad happens and they'll regret not giving me back my phone. It's not like the house phone is always available or like I'm home 24/7. Sheesh.

I'm losing my patience soon. I really can't stand my Dad. Sometimes the sight of him disgusts me. Ugh.

Shan't talk about it anymore. It just makes my blood boil. Grr.

Was informed this morning that there's going to be Nationals Track and Field Meet after all. Well, National Stadium was supposedly under renovations and there seem to be no other stadium big enough to hold the large number of supporters. So it was said that no schools were going. Now there seem to be a change of plan.

I used to look forward to it. But I'm kind of dreading it now. It's like half of me want to see _____ again, but the other half is afraid of what would happen if I do see _____. Catch my drift? Anyway, the stadium is huge and there's going to be loads of people. Doubt I would see anyone. Unless, we're fated to meet. Ha, how cliche.

Sigh.

I'm just getting over the whole thing, but I can't deny I still miss _____ quite a bit. Eventhough he's a complete jerk, bastard etc.

You know, I used to look forward to the end of school because _____ would meet me at the MRT station to send me home. It's like at least there's something to look forward to everyday, if not my life would be so monotonous and dry.

Now, school has started and the only one waiting for me at the bus stop is my mother. Nothing much to look forward to really. And no need to say, my life ain't much of a roller-coaster ride anymore.

Sigh. Maybe it's better that way.

What do you do when you miss someone a lot? Do you sit there and cry because you can't see that someone anymore, try and remember the good times you had together or occupy yourself with work so as to keep your mind off that someone?

I do all three. Ha. But at separate times.

Tomorrow is yet another Tuesday.

O'level mother tongue oral is on Thursday. Whee.

Sigh, I've got nothing more to type.

Remember, my life ain't exciting anymore. In fact, it's almost non-existent. I don't have much of a life.

Yay.

P.S. Have you guys watched 'Initial D'? It's a great show. Go catch it. Ha.

Jay is so wonderful. ((:
(at least he makes me happy. ((: )

#34 Initial Madness

2005-06-24T21:27:00.000+08:00

Whee! Initial D is fantastic. Well, obviously. You get to stare at Jay Chou for 110 minutes.

I'm getting so hyped up about him now. Gee. I want his poster and the new mp3 player that he has endorsed. I want everything concerning him. Too bad I can't buy him. LOL.

I'm mad.

*beams* ((:

#33 Chasing Jay

2005-06-22T21:18:00.000+08:00

I did the craziest thing yesterday. I actually went down to Shaw Center to try and catch a glimpse of Jay Chou. Wow. ((:

Well basically, Jay Chou, Edison Chen, Shawn Yue, Kenny Bee and Anthony Wong came to Singapore for the gala premier of 'Initial D'. Yea, so I decided, since it was a holiday and Jay was coming, why not go down and try my luck. ((:

And I did see Jay!!! Whee. Only for like less then 30 seconds? At least better then nothing though. But the waiting part was horrible.

They were supposedly arriving at 1930. So I went down at about 1700. Met up with Sam F., chatted with her for awhile, before heading off to Isetan to shop with my mother. Walked around, checked out the crowd and decided to 'queue' behind the railings at around 1800 I think, before it gets more crowded. And I just stood there and wait. Shall leave out the details. The main point is, I waited till 2045 before Jay Chou came.

And I was in 3-inch heels.

Can you imagine the pain in my legs? Ouch. But it's all worth it for Jay. And it's good training for the calf muscles too. Lol.

I had fun screaming my lungs out when he came. Too bad he dropped off from the car slightly further in front of me, so didn't really see much of him. Oh wells.

Jostled with the crowd to get some more of him, but to no avail. All I got was sweaty bodies pressing against mine. Eww. )):

But I got to see more of him when he was taking the escalators up to the cinema. The whole of Isetan erupted with screams when he appeared. Suffered from a major headache then. Wanted to wait until the movie ended, but I was sane enough not to. Lol. The shopping center was closing too, so had no excess to the lifts. *shrugs*

Yea, that's about it. My first time trying to 'chase' a star. I felt so typical. You know, typical teen, chasing Chinese idols all round the island. Gee, I'm so not that kind. I felt so embarrassed at first. Gah. Good experience anyway. And I got to see Jay. ((:

Initial D is opening tomorrow! And you guessed it. I'll be watching it! First show in the morning. Ha.

Stupid Cathay Cineleisure ain't showing it. Got to go to Golden Village to catch it. (Psst, GV has bad sound systems.) But I heard GV Grand's good. Cathay is still the best though.

Damn Cathay.

#32 Mad at YOU.

2005-06-16T21:07:00.000+08:00

Gee. I'm so mad at _____.

If only I could just put my hands around your neck and strangle you to death. Gee, blowing your brains out would be so much better. But then again, I can't relish the sight of you dying slowly. Maybe I'll stab you in the chest and watch you bleed to death.

Sheesh.

Thanks for being such a jerk. Thanks for making me feel so miserable for the past 45 days. Damn you. Bloody b*stard.

Ok, I'm moody and extremely pissed. Pardon me ya?

I really, desperately need a punching bag. Or maybe some more chocolates. I'm so going to get fat.

Gah. Punching bag's better. I can train at the same time. Lol.

#31 Unrecognisable

2005-06-08T21:10:00.000+08:00

There are times when I look in the mirror and ask myself, 'Who's this girl staring back at me?'

I've changed so much. I've become so spiteful and filled with angst. I'm lashing out at anyone who steps on my tail, more specifically, my family. Gee, I'm such a horrible daughter.

I don't understand, why have I become the girl I am now.

What has made me change so much?

I don't recognise myself anymore. Sounds like another case of teen identity crisis huh? Lol.

Sigh.

Maybe it's just part of the growing up process.

I hate growing up. Do you?

All these emotions come rushing in. I'm unable to handle it all.

Sigh.

I'm binging on chocolates again. Gee. They don't seem to make me any happier then before.

It's been 36 days. And I still miss _____.

I'm okay.
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now.
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me,
because I'm telling you the truth.
I mean it.
I'm okay!
(Trust me)

I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
Well I'm not okay.
I'm not o-fucking-k
(I'm not okay)
Well I'm not okay.
(okay)

#30 Many thanks.

2005-06-04T23:14:00.000+08:00

Aww, thank you so much Sam Fong!!! And Dan too!!! You guys are just SO sweet! ((:

*huggies* ((:

Sigh.

I know why I can't over it. It was like a dream come true.

It was something that I always dreamt of. And now it has turned into a nightmare.

I just can't let go of that dream. It was so perfect. I just can't accept the fact that my dream's shattered and it no longer exists anymore.

What's worst. I've got a feeling everything was a lie. Only I was foolish enough to believe it. But... I guess... I was happy, living that lie.

Sigh.

I know there's still a long way for me to go. There's so much more for me to experience. But it's different. It'll never be the same.

I can't rule out the fact that things maybe better in the future. But like I said earlier, things just ain't the same anymore.

You know, the effort that I put in was a lot Dan. Way more then you did. So much so, my heart keeps aching. 24/7. I can't explain why now, but I will tell you when the time is right.

I know _____'s a total jerk. __'s not worth my tears nor my heartaches. But still, I'm foolish enough to allow myself to suffer, while __ goes on with life as usual.

I really don't know how long this ache will last. But I guess it'll stay with me for as long as I'm alive.

I'm sure I'll move on with life, but once in a while, the past will come back and haunt me. Sounds cliche, but it's the fact. And currently, the past haunts me every night. *shrugs*

It's funny, how every time I go out, I'll always try to look out for ___. Singapore is so small! I don't understand why I don't usually meet my friends on the streets of Orchard. No fate I guess.

Oh wells.

People who know me well enough should know that I'm a sentimental person. I'm the kind of girl who doesn't let go of stuff easily. Especially when it means a lot to me. Just like how after 5 years, I still can't forget my primary school crush. Until __ came along. My so called 'dream come true'.

So yea. I sincerely thank those people who have given me loads of advices and tried means and ways to help me move on. But it'll take time. For how long I do not know.

It's been 32 days. 1 month and 1 day. Lol.